NEVER TOO SCARRED
By Jessica Williams
Growing up I lived in a very loving and caring family. Never wanting for anything. I would walk to my Grandparents house every day after school. There I would stay until mom got off work. Grand maw always had a snack ready for me when I got home from school. She was very loving and caring. Mom, Beverly, always made sure we went to church. My life was a picture-perfect life. I had accepted Christ at a young age, but what happened next, no little girl could ever understand. Mom and Dad sat me, my brother Tommy and my sister Sharon down right before we were to get out of school for my 6th grade Christmas break. They told us we would be moving to Hendersonville, N.C. so that my dad could attend Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute. My sister was in her senior year of high school so she would be staying with my grandparents to finish the year. I was excited, scared and very nervous. At first, things were good but I quietly discovered I didn’t fit in. I no longer had all my friends I had grown up with and played sports with. Life just wasn’t the same. I was still in church and was part of a very large youth group, but I just didn’t feel the love. I couldn’t find the love, and I slowly started to not love me. I just didn’t understand what was going on. This is when my mess in drugs started. I was only in the 7th grade smoking pot and drinking very little, but still it made me forget the hurt and pain I was feeling. Now, in the eighth grade, it was time to move again. I thought, well maybe this time it will be different, and it was for about one year. I still couldn’t find the love I was longing for. My dad was now a pastor at his first church. So now I have a new title and new name, “The Preacher’s Kid” or “Preacher Steve Williams’ daughter”.
Still trying to figure out who I am and where or how to fill this love I started partying more on the weekends and attending church always on Sundays. Mom and Dad had no clue I was partying as much as I was. I have now graduated high school and by this time I’m doing whatever I can to get my hands on, Crack, Crank, Cocaine, Pot, Ecstasy just to name a few. And, I was managing to hide it and keep a job. I’m still in search for love in drugs, men, partying, whatever can fill my gap of temporary love. At the age of 21 I stopped doing street drugs and now my doctors have put me on pain pills for my RA, and this is my NEW love. At the age of 24 I am doing pain pills, but its ok because the doctor has prescribed them to me. I can control this or so I thought. I got married in 2004 and we had two wonderful children in 2008 and 2009, and I was doing well. Thought I had everything I had ever dreamed of, but I was still looking for the love I had felt as a little girl. By 2013 I am now 31 and my life is spiraling out of control. I am doing large amounts of drugs and slowly losing everything. So, when the pills no longer can help, I start doing Meth with the pills, but now I can’t get enough. The drugs that had helped me cope for so long with the hurt, anger, loneliness, hopelessness was no longer turning me on. I wasn’t able to forget about the hurt and pain I had felt for so long. The drugs were now starting to take everything I had. The love I had for MY KIDS, MY FAMILY and what little bit I had left inside of me. I was wanting to die and prayed to God night after night that He would take my life. I was getting more anger, hatred, and could have cared less what anyone said or thought about me. But just then God sent an Angel, Linda Pittman, to tell me just what I had needed to hear and to remind me who’s child I really am and who really loves me. You are a child of the King! You are His Princess and He loves you.
I still struggled for about six months more, but thank God for parents who had not stopped praying or believing in me. Also, many other people were praying for me. And because they stayed strong with prayers and believing that Christ would heal me, HE DID! On February 7, 2016 I was setting on the top of Roan Mountain looking at the beautiful mountains when he touched me. I was tired and ready for something different. I looked over in the seat beside me and there laid the book “War Room Bible Study”. As I looked at it, I remembered what Linda Pittman had told me: that my Heavenly Father loved me no matter what, and if I would just truly let him love me He would, because He had already forgiven me of my past. That day I prayed, “God if you will take this addiction from me I will do whatever you want me to do. Thank you for loving me even when I didn’t love myself and please forgive me of all my wrong doings.” That day God took it all. It was like a freedom I have never felt before. All the anger, bitterness, hate and worthlessness was now gone. I was free at last. I had a new JOY in my heart that no one can take away and I could now feel Him, all of Him. I had found the love I was searching for. Thank God, I once was lost but now I am found.
Psalm 40: 1 & 2 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Ever since that day God has blessed me. I now have a new love for life. I have my kids back and my family. Always remember: YOU ARE NEVER TOO SCARRED. — Because two scarred hands and two scarred feet paid the price for you and for me.
As Linda Pittman once told me: John 3:17, For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world though him.
Now, GO GET YOUR SHINE ON FOR THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE.
Jessica lives in Spruce Pine, NC and is a member of Sweet Tea for Jesus Study Group in Marion, NC.