By Glenda Ward
This is – This very day – My Personal Word in Testimony,
In which “old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new”.
2 Corinthians 5:17-18
“Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to Himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation.”
First, I want to say I truly feel like I came to know Jesus Christ in my teen years professing my faith in Christ and following a short time later with Baptism at the age of about 15. I can remember a time and the place I asked Jesus Christ into my heart and life. However, due to dark storms arising in our life and having to come to terms with circumstances beyond my control, my salvation has become a very real form of doubt throughout the years.
Several decades ago, I thought I had the perfect life and family: I was a child of God with the perfect home, a husband I loved and adored, and children I cherished each and every day. On a day a few years later, unsuspecting, I was confronted with the real world. My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. What I thought I had in life; a loving husband, the security of a good marriage, family, and home was not in reality what I had at all! I couldn’t comprehend what was happening, I couldn’t think straight, my heart was aching, I was crushed, and coping was hard. Then in my mind, doubts began to creep in. The devil began working overtime! Maybe my salvation was not there after all and maybe it wasn’t what I thought I had either. I have wrestled with doubt about my confession of asking Jesus into my heart for a long time, in part because of circumstances life had dealt with. I was questioning: Did I or did I not ask Jesus to come into my heart? Did I have God’s Holy Spirit? Was Jesus my personal Savior? If so, why was my whole world turning upside down? Why was this happening to me, to us, our marriage and family? This was something I thought I would never experience. Never ever would this happen to me. But the reality is what life is. Life, as I knew it back then, will never be again. During those dark years, I couldn’t feel God’s presence, I couldn’t see Him working in my life. I felt so desolate and so alone. I had children in their early teens to early twenties that I felt I had to be there for and yet, at the same time, not let them see what was happening within our family and what I was going through. As I struggled, I felt as if I were just going through the motions of daily living. I was a wreck.! My life was in turmoil!
During these dark years, I was told repeatedly: That is not what you saw, you didn’t hear that! You didn’t see what you think you saw! That is not so, it is not correct, you didn’t see this! I came to realize; all this was an attempt to make me and other people think I had a mental problem. Where was God? This too, I came to realize later, God was right there with me. I couldn’t feel His presence or see Him at work in my life at the time because of the initial shock of life in reality. The emotional pain was so bad it physically hurt. I was just something in form and that was it. My life didn’t matter. Throughout this time the devil certainly took advantage of his opportunities and even today he is persistently trying to throw up roadblocks in our daily life.
Where was God? During this dark time to which I am referring, I started writing down documentation of my thoughts, notes, times, and dates of things I would see and hear, which I came to understand later was therapy for me. Then God started speaking quietly to me when I was writing or sitting quietly contemplating what to write or how to put into words what I was thinking and feeling. I started looking up scripture to reference my thoughts, then I would sit back reading over what I had just written. I remember wondering where all this I have written down on paper come from. Today I now know God was there with me through everything we faced! God spoke to me and said, “Be Still and Know that I am God”. Today this is my favorite Bible verse and I repeat it daily, sometimes several times a day. God has taken our personal situations, as bad as they were, and is using them today to Glorify His Holy Name. In the last few years, God has revealed Scripture that has opened up to me showing me an understanding of where I am safe and secure in His eternal salvation. But the devil still wages his sinful thoughts and doubts.
I have grieved over losing a former lifestyle I thought we had. I drifted back into repeatedly doubting my Christian conversion, my faith, and my salvation because of happened circumstances. And I have come to realize that repentance is not only for the purpose of salvation but that it is necessary for cleansing from all unrighteousness and the continual restoration of fellowship with God. Godly sorrow is grief that leads us to view our conduct as the Lord does (2 Corinthians 7:9-10).
I was not having victory in my life. I didn’t have any real peace. Then, God gives a message of how serious this is. “Be Still and Know that I am God”; He says, I am, Glenda Ward, to be a witness for God. It was as if Jesus was saying, “I am sending forth the promise of My Father upon you that repentance, forgiveness, and His Word you will proclaim”. God has opened my eyes to see some things from His perspective! And God has reinforced His Word in my life through our Pastor in his words spoken from the pulpit, through his teachings, sermons, and words of wisdom. Repentance is a very vital part of who we are! I know I am in the right direction and I know I don’t need these doubtful thoughts in my head, they are sinful! Repentance involves changing your course for the future. Today I want to walk away from these sinful doubts – to walk in obedience to Christ’s teachings and where God leads.
I believe in Jesus Christ. I accept Him for who He is and what He did on the cross. He is the Messiah, Savior, and Lord. I want to yield my life to Him. Through God, I was predestined to be formed and shaped spiritually to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ. God predetermined that once I was saved, He would begin to form my life with character, conduct, and conversation like that of His Son. But for this to happen I had to face some dark storms of life. When we were young and first starting married life, I was quiet, I avoided conflict and confrontational conversation. However, my husband and life situations have taught me to confront issues and concerns as they arise. And being human, today I am working on bridling my tongue of harsh and unpleasant words; (Psalm 39:1; Proverbs 13:3; Psalm 34:12-13; Proverbs 10:11, 19).
I am publicly asking my heavenly Father to FORGIVE me for all sin throughout my life and any wrongdoing that I may have contributed to, caused, or maybe even created when being confrontational and trying to make sense as to why our life situation had turned completely around and was in such a mess, in trying to gain some truth and insight into our situation. Today I especially ask our Heavenly Father to forgive me for the words that I have said through hurt and anger. And David I want to say to you I am sorry for the words I have said, and the hurt and anger I displayed. In my heart, I forgave years ago. Now I am asking you to please forgive me!
The doubts about my salvation that form in my mind do not fit who I am or who I want to be today. It doesn’t fit my relationship with God the Father. These doubts shouldn’t be there at all!
Lord, I want you to forgive me and cleanse me of these doubts and fears. Cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I want to walk in the Light of God as He is the Light and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son will continually clean my sins. I trust You and Your promise to enable me to walk a Godly life for the remainder of the time I have left on this earth. Help me to live a life for You, my Lord. And I pray for doors to open to enable me to pursue your Godly Work in Pen. I commit my way in life unto You Lord, Jesus Christ, my Lord, and Savior.
This is my witness and Testimony
Of a True, Loving, and Living Lord and Savior
This I ask in Jesus’ Name, I Pray
Glenda C. Ward
Glenda Ward is a member of Grand View Baptist Church in McDowell County. She is the mother of five grown children. Glenda is a Christian writer/author of “Something to Think About” – weekly Christian Articles. She writes Church Programs & Bulletins, VBS Material, Christmas and Easter Programs; all material based on the KJV of the Bible. Also testing the field in tributes, individual memorial writings, etc. You can read more good Christian news from Glenda HERE.